I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
