Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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