I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
