chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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