haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
