Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
