I have demons in me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
