I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
