I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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