i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
