Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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