I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
