I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
