Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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