I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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