last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
