dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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