at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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