I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
