Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
