I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
