Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
