I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
