How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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