I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
