i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
