Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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