Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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