I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
