Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
