My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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