who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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