My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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