god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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