He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
