Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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