If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
