It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
