I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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