Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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