Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
