I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
