I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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