I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
