at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
time to smoke my breakfast
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
