i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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