There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
