the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
