If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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