for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
